So I’m just gonna start this off by being completely blunt: I’m a woman, and I love to f**k. The fact that this is difficult for most women to admit has caused my large sex drive to be something I’ve questioned. What does it mean to be an openly sexual woman in a culture still driven by patriarchal standards? The “untouched” fantasy is unfortunately something that women still have to endure.
Now, I’m gonna let y’all know I’ve been touched – a lot. And proud of it. Looking back, I’ve had some really good sex. The majority of men I’ve been with have made me come. The fact that when a guy gets me off is rare as it is, but the fact that most women don’t receive an orgasm at all is pretty mind-blowing for me. When I realized this fact, that’s when I had to say something to the ladies.
Now the direction of how I was gonna convey this message was my next question. I ended up pondering something that is so looked down upon in our culture of promiscuous sex; something that if done it will ruin your reputation, your chance at developing a more passionate relationship and to some even their sanity. I decided to discuss why you should do this particular act: putting out on the first date.
Now to the women reading this who are starting to become concerned, there’s good news: this is complete bulls**t! I’ve had several one-night stands and hooked up with plenty of dudes on the first date. I also have a college degree. Four months after I graduated I landed the job I have now where I write articles like this about me doing guys and listening to Carach Angren while doing so, and so far this gig has been nothing but amazing. I’m also single, and alright with that. So ladies if you have a few one-night stands and put out on the first date don’t worry – it’s not the end of the world. And trust me on this, I know why.
We as women have been taught the most important thing that matters in our life is what a dude thinks. We have never been told to sit down, contemplate what we think, and act on that to disrupt the social standards put upon us. Now of course we can look at Prince Charming v. some dude, but let’s even question why we’re told to like Prince Charming: because he “saves” us and ultimately marries us. Do we sit down with him and discuss post-structural theory? No, we just marry him…just ‘cause that’s what we’re supposed to do.
Ever since I was young, I knew I had a high sex drive. I acted upon it, realizing I can pleasure myself. From this I started to figure out what it was I’m attracted to and how I like to be pleasured…something that helps out tremendously even today when I hook up with guys. I knew I had odd fetishes for men with long hair…which then turned into metal musicians with long hair…which then turned into muscular metal musicians with long hair…which then turned into me watching metal musicians playing their instruments when they’re flexing their arm muscles and whipping their hair all around, and I have to put up with being turned on. But rather than making myself sad, I decided to act upon it.
So this is how it works: I meet Mr. Hot-Guy, we talk, have a few drinks, and either exchange contact information or just go out and do it. If we go out and do it right when we meet, I ask for phone number but state “so we can do it again.” I’m going to say 9/10 times we do it again. Now let’s say I don’t hook up with him right away; we meet, exchange numbers, talk, and then eventually meet on a date that leads to us engaging is coitus. Once again, 9/10 times we meet again. I haven’t been in many long-term relationships, but thinking back I met three of my past boyfriends by starting off with hooking up on the “first date”. Now I’m not gonna tell you what will keep your relationship lasting long-term, but I will tell you a great way to weed out the good ones from the bad ones.
There’s another part of me I realized early on that contributes to my preference of this method: I don’t get emotionally attached by sex. So if any of you ladies know that sex makes you emotionally attached, definitely don’t do this; I just take this to my advantage. Because there have definitely been men that I hooked up with, and nothing worked out. But guess what? To me that’s okay. We had a good time, the sex was by good intentions, we both received pleasure from each other, and we went off our separate ways. Now there were times I did get emotionally attached and he didn’t. But each time that happened, I told him my honest feelings. If he didn’t feel the same way, we stopped hooking up. If he felt the same way, we started dating. And each time I got emotionally attached it wasn’t because I simply had sex with him, it was because I opened myself up personally to him – something that affects me much more than just sex.
See, I don’t see my body or sex as anything overly in-depth and spiritual. I see it as what it is: it’s my body, sex, and it’s an orgasm. All of these factors I love; they give me pleasure, and is great for my well-being. But I don’t see anything more than what it is. The person who I am is what I hold closest. I don’t develop some ridiculous spiritual connection with a man by hooking up with him, I develop this connection by having long conversations with him. In other words, sex and the person I am are two different things to me, which means that sex and love are two different things to me.
That’s why I don’t see hooking up as the issue in our culture: lack of communication is the issue. According to this article on Vice, the author Alison Stevenson states she allowed herself to be manipulated by casual sex. This is most commonly the case: a woman getting lured in and eventually hurt. It was when she took it upon herself to get the pleasure she wanted is when she realized that sex is just pleasure. So when she mentioned the dreaded text she receives, just picture the dude saying “you’re cool, but…I’m a pathetic person without any respect for others and hope to hurt someone’s feelings.” Because the guys that she described are pretty much that. Yet, the majority of men that I slept with took the time to at least listen to what I had to say.
Like I mentioned before, I haven’t been in many serious relationships. But guess what? I’m friends with just about every guy I’ve slept with, which is something I think is rarer than being in a serious relationship. So 9/10 times, if I sleep with a guy we’ll end up being friends. Why are we friends in the end? It’s a pretty simple reason: because I openly communicate with them. Rather than putting out and then doing the “walk of shame” I chose to become confident and go into a hook-up knowing what I want. I talk with every partner, tell them what I want, allow them to tell me what they want, and we go all the way if everything works out fine. Honesty goes extremely far, and I feel I’ve captured that more than most people. So go ahead and put out on the first date. Just remember to be honest with your partner, and ultimately be honest with yourself.
Oh, and wear a condom. Please.
– Stephanie Jensen