The Fattest, Richest Jew In Florida (New Series)

About a year ago, Ben Mallah, a Florida real estate icon, was told by his doctor that he only had a few years left to live based on his current lifestyle. Because of being rediculously overweight, a heavy smoker, and only getting exercise by doing bagel curls at various Boca Raton deli’s, Ben is doing everything he can to set up his family for his early demise. With his apparent short time left on mother earth, he plans on spending as much time as possible with his wife Karla, and his sons.   I almost forgot to mention, Ben is worth $175 million and is being kind enough to offer to the public, the opportunity to buy his life for only $100 Million.  Do the math and the buyer will make an instant profit of $75 million. It’s not fuckin brain science!

In the video below, Ben hires a stoned mural artist from Grass Valley, California to paint one of his seedy hotels on Clearwater beach.

In this ultimate life package, he is throwing in his waterfront mansion, numerous commercial hotels and apartment buildings, a fresh pair of Rolls-Royces, a Bentley GT continental, and a frickin’ yacht. Not your everyday Craigslist offer, but some wealthy golf pro or trust fund nerd may find this offer enticing.  The best part of this deal is, whoever buys Ben’s life, also inherits his nutcase staff. If his million dollar Michael Keaton era Batmobile was included, I might actually make an offer.  Fuck it, Jimmy Hart’s carcass has to be worth 100 million by itself.

Ben’s spin-off series about eating horrible, depressing food.